Yes, we are still here.

'Twas the night before Scott's birthday when all through the apartment... Sorry, I thought I could maybe keep that up, but then I realized that the post wouldn't get done until later next year, so we're going with normal story format: 

My roommate Scott had a birthday last Sunday but had neglected to tell anyone about it until 11:45 Saturday night.  Upon learning this important fact my other roommate Ethan stood up and left the apartment, returning 10 minutes later with.... Nothing.  At exactly midnight o'clock I wished Scott a very happy birthday and went  promptly to bed.  The next morning the apartment was awakened by Ethan singing a happy birthday song to scott to the tune of 'O Christmas Tree.'  Somehow Ethan had managed to get the tree into the apartment and set it up without making a sound.  Is this impressive? Yes.  Does this make me wonder if he has also been sneaking into my room at night and stealing my dirty socks? Yes.  Is it weird that my dirty socks are a hot commodity on e-bay? Not in the least.  We assume he purchased the tree the night befor, but considering that he was only gone for ten minutes, he also could have chopped it down, stolen it, or built it out of paper mache.  Anyways, the tree had no tree stand, was supported by being wedged between our two couches and had one ornament (read: Guitar):

As good as the Orna-tar looked, it just didn't seem complete, mainly because no man tools, duct tape or fire had been used in the birthday gift process.  I saw my opportunity to contribute.  Enter the Sawzall.  For those unfamiliar with things that are manly and destructive, a sawzall is one of the manlier tools available to men.  It will saw... all. Nails, sheetrock, plywood, fingers, you name it.  Everything except Douglass Fir tree trunks.  I guess when God invented the Douglass Fir He made the tree trunk roughly the same density as Mount Rushmore.  Fir must have been tacked on to the name as a mean joke.  I now have a quite embarrassing and long video of me letting the camera know just how cool I was to be in possesion of a sawzall only to then find that the blade of the saw was formed from stale cheese.  

(You'll notice my wise choice of safety footwear)

One inch of stump, ten branches, and (miraculously) only two toes later we realized we had nothing with which to make our tree stand up.  I know what your thinking, which is exactly what we thought in that moment: Cinderblocks and twine.